


Heaven

by isasam



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2015-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-11 08:11:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4427909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isasam/pseuds/isasam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum died. Luke is struggling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING. Don't read if cutting/suicide bothers you!
> 
> this is my story, I already posted this under the same title on asianfanfics with different characters!

It's been almost a month since you had to leave. I haven't washed the sheets yet but your scent is only faintly lingering between the soft fabric where we used to sleep in. I'm scared that if your scent is gone, the memory will also be gone. The memory of us waking up together. The memory of our pillow fight or the way we ate breakfast in bed one time when you were too sick to get up. The memory of us loving each other.

It took me one week to get back to work after I had spent my previous time in bed, mourning over your inevitable but still unpredictable death. We knew you didn't have much time left but I thought we would have more.  
'Calum ..' I can see your face still clearly in my mind. The way your eyes would get smaller, almost invisible when you smiled and the little wrinkles in the corners that would form there. I have kept all of your pictures in our apartement. It hurts to look at them but it would have hurt even more if I had thrown them away.

____

I get into the shower, dress myself but skip breakfast. I can't really eat anymore since you're gone. I leave my apartement to go to work and immediately come to a halt once I'm on the pavement. Is that you? I press my eyes close and open them again after another moment only to the see that you're gone. No, you weren't there in the first place. I keep seeing you. It's almost as if you're haunting me, as if your ghost can't stand to leave me alone.

Days pass and I'm almost sure that I have gone crazy. I look into the mirror and instead of seeing my reflection, I see your face. Your face is pale, almost grey. I let out a scream and smash the mirror with the hairdryer. It's needless to say that I have covered up the other mirrors in the apartement.  
I don't tell anybody because why should I? Telling others you're seeing your dead boyfriend everywhere you go labels you as the crazy one. I'm not crazy, right? I just miss you so much.  
In the end I had to quit my job. The thought of seeing you at work, sitting on my desk while I was typing boring stuff into my laptop made feel nauseous. Because that's where you are when I'm at work. I can't concentrate because you're there. One time you even spoke to me, you told me you love me.

'No leave me alone already!' I scream as I awake from another nightmare. All my dreams are about you, dreams where you're dying again or worse, dreams where you come back from the dead and try to kill me. Are you really trying to kill me? Am I supposed to die with you?

The next day when I cross the street, I'm almost tempted to let myself get run over by a truck. It doesn't even matter anymore if I'm dead or alive. There's nobody left here who might appreciate my presence to be honest. I haven't talked to my friends, our friends, since you're dead. Not that I don't like them but I didn't want them to pity me. The only feeling which is worse than knowing you've lost someone is everybody else knowing that you've lost someone. I've had enough of these gazes at your funeral. They probably wouldn't even miss me, would they? I've been a horrible friend. I didn't even attend my best friends wedding because I was too busy with crying over my loss.  
However, I didn't let myself get run over. I go grocery shopping but I'm not buying anything edable, the only thing I can swallow without throwing up immediately is liquor. I get home and I throw myself onto the couch, turning on the TV as I screw open the first bottle of the strong smelling liquid. I'm probably drinking too fast. People say you should appreciate the taste of alcohol but I don't taste anything. I just need the feeling that is left behind. The burning in my sensitive throat, the dizziness, the possibility that I just might forget everything. But I never forget. I can't forget you and the pain won't end. After a while I just pass out.

I wake up in the middle of the night, tortured by yet another nightmare which has left my body sticky and pulse raging. 'Shower .. ' This is the only thing I manage to think as I heave myself up from the couch before I stumble towards the bathroom, bumping against the walls in the process.  
I let water into the bathtub while I take off my clothes. I wait until the tub is almost full before I slide inside, my weight making the water drip over the edge slightly because I didn't turn off the water timely.  
I lean my head back and close my eyes only to open them in panic. It was there again. Your face.

The pain needs to end. I slide down deeper into the water until my head is covered completely. I remember the dreams of you killing me. That's right, you wanted me dead, didn't you? I might as well do you the favor.  
I come up again and take a deep breath. If I'm dead we can be together again, right? It'll be like always. It'll be like it's supposed to be. You and me, together.  
I take a look around and notice the sharp scalpel you had used to cut out something earlier. I only wondered for a brief moment why it was laying there, beside the bathtub. 'It's almost an invitation'

I took the scalpel and turned it in my hand before I held it to my wrist. 'Cut horizontally and they send you to the hospital, cut vertically and they send you to the morgue'  
Cutting through my soft skin only took a few seconds and I watched the crimson liquid staining the colorless water in awe.

And the pain ended.


End file.
